June 29, 2007
NTU's finest and Hwa Chong's Champs...
... are my 'daughter', whying, I meant Waiyin, and my 'sis', Sok.
It's only 5 months, if you think about it. Not a very long time. But, long enough for us to bitch, whine, see each other cry, roll our eyes together and assign codes for some people.
I thought we would all hug and sob when you leave, one after the other. But, we didn't. We just said 'bye' and 'bye' and 'bye'... and you just keep coming back.
No need to feel down at all. 'Cos we didn't leave each other as colleagues. We left as friends.
And friends will buy me smoothies to refuel my fight against the evil forces (I'm usually fine with any fruits that are yellow colour)! And friends will take lots of nice photos in Europe and share with me!
We'll miss both of you. But, please don't come back again to work. Esp daughter.
Have fun! Get your life back!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 01:20
Me, the OL
Part 1
I knew he was returning from his narcotine fix. So, I sort of waited in the aisle for him. And in summary, this is what was exchanged:
me: I need to talk to you leh...
boss: Ok. Come in.
me: (sits down calmly) I'm super pissed lor. The server is just fucked up lor.
boss: Wah... why you so chor lor (unrefined) today? Calm down...
me: Cannot! I'm damn pissed, you know. You tell me, of all days, why must we change the server in the mid of the week? So stupid lor. Change the server in the mid of the week? Wednesday leh! It's the busiest time of the week, the most things to be done. And you must choose the day to change server.
boss: (smiles and kept quiet...*maybe he's one of the decision makers who made the stupid decision... too bad for him then*)
me: Now I can't access my email, can't use the internet, can't even send print jobs to the printer. What can I do? There's nothing for me to work on lor.
boss: Then, take a break lah. Relax...
me: Cannot relax. I can't do anything now. And can't access my emails, damn stressed, you know!
boss: Why? Whose emails are you expecting?
me: Anybody's lah! You know the clients I'm handling lah... those super gancheong spiders. If they can't get me, they will just start jumping lor. Then, they will call me. And you never know what they suddenly want from us. Drop you a few bombs all at one time. Later, when the server is ready, all the bombs will just come lor.
boss: True.
me: Ya? So? Angry leh!
boss: Ok, ok...
So, the server in our office today was really screwed. Everytime I could connect to the internet, I only had less than 5 mins of window period to do all my emails before the error message came again. Superbly annoying.
Part 2
me: Here's my leave application.
boss: Ok. Wisdom tooth extraction. (pause) Can I not let you go?
me: Cannot.
boss: How many days? (starts counting on his calender) 9 days! So long!
me: Ya! Happy!
boss: Can you go only after you leave this company?
me: NO lorrr...
boss: Ok, ok. Just a suggestion...
me: I don't need your suggestion. I just need your signature.
boss: Wah... Ok, then, you get the person next door (bigboss) to sign.
me: He's not in.
boss: You eh, really...
me: (thinks: deal with it!)
Part 3
boss: My dear girl, you have to learn to be less hard-headed.
me: Huh?
boss: I said you got to learn to be less hard-headed.
me: (I think, he meant 'aggressive')I'm not ah. I'm only like that with you. I'm not like this with them (other colleagues). I'm not like this with my clients, even though some are really stupid.
boss: Ya, ok...
me: Ya! It's only you. 'Cos you are my boss. You gotta deal with me.
boss: Oh, so I'm the privileged one eh?
me: Ya, you can take it that way.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:58
~Randomly...
Why can't the dj say something more innovative than "Don't let the bed bugs bite"?
Say something like... like "May you have a good reason to wake up to".
xxx
I just killed an ant on my desk. Who might have been chewing on some connectors or whatever-they-call-it inside my laptop and possibly cause my laptop to crash one fine day when I least expected it. Who's the enemy now?
xxx
me: Every morning, on my way to work, I think about what is the meaning of life. And it seems like there's no meaning at all. That's why I always look so dead when I come into office. 'Cos I didn't find any answer to that.
Emman: Ok. But why would you think about that? Since when you started thinking like that?
me: Since a long time ago. I always wonder what is the whole point of life? It's really just a matter of waiting. Waiting for death.
Emman: Ya. It is. There is no meaning in life. It's meaningless.
me: But, wouldn't you think about it?
Emman: Jancy, you must not think about it. Just leave it as such. Life is meaningless. That's it. Don't make it so complicated. It's just meaningless. So, just accept it. And wait for another life.
me: Oh. So, that's why you always say 'See you in another life'?
Emman: Ya!
So, he taught me how to say 'See you in another life' in Bahasa and I taught him how to say the same in Mandarin.
Sampai jumpa di kehidupan berikutnya!
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:55
June 26, 2007
~ Randomly...
Attended Maria's solemnisation at ROM today. My 3rd, or was it 4th time there?
Anyway, I was really not crazy when I said I can't catch the bride's bouquet because I can't get married. At least, not legally in Singapore. It's so interesting when they started asking 'why?' Because gay marriages are not legalised, yet, in Singapore. *hmm???* Really. I'm not crazy.
And I'm not nuts too. Though I wish I were, though I said I'm going nuts. If only.
Nice back. Nice tan. Nicely tanned and lean back. Really, what if I said it's because I know she liked tanned backs?
What if it got to the point that you no longer know the things you like are really the things you like or just the things she used to like? What if you are not even sure if it's because she liked it and you then grew to like it or you really, really like it?
Why would you bother to think so much into it?
Someday. Someday, I'm going to do a lot and anything and everything that people keeps telling me there is no point in doing. Even if the whole damn world says "But, what's the point?"
The point is, I fucking just feel like doing it.
xxx
Feeling very, very tired the past few days. Dreaming a lot. Dreaming long, strange dreams. And then, waking up very tired and sleepy.
I just opened my mouth and poured a substantial amount in. And before I realised it, I poured a bit too much. But, what the heck! I could do with a deep sleep. Then, now that deep sleep kept wanting to come back to me. Except I've no time to sleep and sleep.
xxx
This is the kind of night I wish time will just freeze over. Everything can stop. I wouldn't mind. I would just listen to the music of the rain, the melody of the breeze.
And time has no consequences at all. Nothing has.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:24
June 22, 2007
Dreams - My other reality
(It must have been the chat I had with whying that lended fodder for this dream...)
It was the house that my grandfather used to live in when he was still around. In this dream, he was still very much alive and kicking. There were my grandfather, my mother, my x-boyfriend and I.
There was a marathon going on. In the neighbourhood. My grandfather wanted to go join in. He urged for us to join him too. We weren't very enthusiastic about it. Instead, we thought we would go and play basketball. I was still dating Desmond. It appeared that we got together (again?!?!). But how come I didn't look very happy in the dream?
Anyway, he wanted to play basketball. And my mum said she would go along too. Just to kill time. We were going to play basketball at the community centre near my old house.
I don't know what we were waiting for but my mum decided she'd go ahead first. That left Desmond and me in the house. Again, I don't know why I didn't look very happy. Then, I decided to tell him about me having had a x-gf.
So, I did. I told him that before him, I was in love with a girl. He was horribly (and understandably) shocked. He was too shocked to say anything. So, I took the chance to continue. I knew he was a christian and probably found this unacceptable. His girlfriend had a x-gf? Sounds like something to ask God for forgiveness eh?
Instead of feeling sorry for dropping the bomb, I told him to think about it and decide if he could deal with it. And if he was not ready to deal with it, then let's not waste each other's time.
And then, after saying that, I realised that perhaps I really didn't care too much about the relationship. No wonder I didn't look happy. I also realized who I really wanted beside me was not him, but her. My x-gf.
Then, I sort of woke up. Again, to the barking of my dogs.
If I had a choice, I don't really like dreams like this. It makes it harder to not remember.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:01
June 21, 2007
~ Randomly...
Pieces. Pieces. Pieces of me.
xxx
You know the point where you tread on the thin line of being sober and being drunk. That exact point when you are still conscious of your surrounding, yet that very surrounding feels surreal. And your head feels light. In fact, you feel light. As if you were on a ship that's sailing not on water but in the air.
And motion, either too much of or that is too quick, makes you sick. Nauseous or giddy or both, to be exact or not so exact.
That's my new acquaintance with my body. It's a new development as far as my body signals go. Happens when I sleep too late (even if it's still a minimum of 7 hours) or when I sleep too little (even if I had gone to bed early).
But admittedly, the more often I feel that way, the more I don't think it's a bad thing. Somehow, the feeling of being light and floaty, and feeling everything around is surreal, has its own appeal too. Is this a new kind of addiction?
Except I don't like the annoying pulling of the neck muscles (my doc just taught me that I'm no sufferer of migraines; but just tensed shoulder and neck muscles). Thankfully, there's the medicine. Even more thankfully, the medicine makes me darn drowsy.
xxx
That day, Whying and Sok were registering for their modules online. Module registration. They were reading through module outlines and trying to design their timetable for the semester. Undoubtedly, to make it a 4 days study week. Or less, if they could.
I got as excited as them. I went slightly hysterical when I saw the modules the Sociology Dept in NTU was offering. I told Whying to take the module then let me do the assignment. Sounds ridiculous. But that was not why she didn't choose the module. It's cos she wants to choose one that has 4AUs and that one was only 3AUs. And some of the Soc modules had pre-requisites, so they couldn't register for it.
I damn miss studying. Many times, I whined that I want to go back to studying, that I want to be doing what they were doing - registering modules.
I soooooo want to go back to studying... deja vu...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:48
June 17, 2007
~ Randomly...
窗外，滴滴答答。雨声，轻轻地，有规律地，仿佛唱着一首思念的歌。
这样的夜晚，仅仅为了回忆而存在。或者让那些已经一起入睡的情侣抱得更紧。
这样的夜晚，仅仅为了回忆而存在。倘若心情已经经不起回忆的考验，孤单也早在生活中变成习惯，那么，快快睡着吧!
在沉睡中，即使梦多么沉重，始终也会醒；即使现实多么无奈，仍能在梦里寻觅你。
xxx
I don't think I can ever be a Chinese intellectual. The most I can do in that language is to write, write that moment of how I felt.
Very nice, very relaxed evening at Dome @ SAM. How come time passed by so quickly?
Indeed, it does. Half of this year is almost gone. And where have I moved on to? Still the same. Just more and more suppressed, more and more disguised. At least, I don't have time to think about how to pass time.
2 pills, 1 drowsy, 1 cough syrup. It's a very, very nice night to sleep...
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:57
June 16, 2007
OMG!
I was following links and following links and landed on the website of Pathlight School. Scrolling down and scrolling down and that's when I saw it!
Richie Ren went to Pathlight!!!!! When I was already not there!!!! How could such a thing happen?!?!?!?
-_-"
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 14:45
June 13, 2007
Me, the OL
Whying and Sok, my dearest daughter and sis at work, thanks for the Apple Smoothie from Spinelli. I thought I would get the ice blended passion fruit. After all, we are all saving money.
But, you both have done better! Truly appreciate it.
xxx
Me: Emman, can you imagine how our life here is going to be when Waiyin leaves?
Emman: Life would be simpler.
*I still laugh now, remembering that moment he said it.*
Life is going to be simply... boring.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:24
~ Randomly...
The most enjoyable thing at work today is having a 1.5 hour training by my bigbig boss's wife. She co-founded the company with my bigbig boss.
The topic was how to be a good qualitative interviewer. Something not entirely new to me. But why it was the most enjoyable thing at work today is because, it felt like the kind of seminar-tutorial that I used to have in Uni, Hons year. Just 6 of us. Case studies, brainstorming, sharing, taking notes, asking questions, learning.
Very, very nice.
I sooooo want to go back to studying...
xxx
Waiting to give up and fly... Brings to mind the one-liner from "Everything is illuminated" - For how long could we fail before we surrendered?
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 00:13
June 12, 2007
One-liners
Memory was supposed to fill the time, but it made time a hole to be filled. (Everything is illuminated,
Jonathan Safran Foer)
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:52
Dreams - My other reality
I was having a meal. With Meisen and Charan. At a hawker centre that's near where my old house is. AMK. This marketplace with this hawker centre has appeared a few times in my dreams already. A common dreamscape.
Can't remember what we were eating. But Charan was chewing on some gum. Black gum. Meisen and I were chatting about nothing in particular. Then, a few tables away from us, came a group of ruffians. All guys. Very rowdy. Meisen and I gave disapproving looks.
One of them came by our table. Just then, Charan spitted out the gum he was chewing and it landed right on this ruffian's leg. But he didn't notice it then. Only Meisen and I saw it. And we just kept quiet.
Shortly, that ruffian with Charan's gum on his leg got back to his table with his groupies. And they saw the black gum stuck on his leg. They turned furious.
I knew we were going to be in some shit. I looked at Meisen and she looked back at me. Suddenly, she took my hand and we started running. The whole group of ruffians were hot on our heels. We kept running. We tried to camouflage ourselves among the crowd at the market place.
Back at the hawker centre, Charan pretended as if nothing happened and sat at the table quite quietly.
And Meisen and I kept looking around and hiding away.
Then, I woke up.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:35
June 07, 2007
~ Randomly...
The moment of happiness so simple
Got an email reply from Sha. Read it till the last and felt so very touched.
I miss her a lot, actually. Aside from Cj and Zie whom I still keep in contact with, I really miss this very good and much respected x-colleague of mine. Really.
She always thinks that I'm amazing with words. I think the petition that I wrote must have left a super lasting impression. But the truth is, she left an even more lasting impression on me. Being a mother of a child with ASD and a teenage daughter, a wife, the eldest daughter in her family and a teacher working with ASD children, she has managed all these roles so very well. And on top of all these, she's such a great person to work with and a very supportive colleague and friend. She has my utmostest respect.
When I'm at my most tired and fatigued point, her email made me long for something... that human touch. That warm, big embrace that says 'You are a special person, Jancy. Never forget that.'
That was her last line in the email. I am very, very touched. It's people like her that really made me wonder if I should never have left Pathlight...
I said I choose misery. And this is the kind of moment when you feel happiness so simple and intense that it absolutely defines this moment. When you feel touched by the words of another person and not hurt or disappointment.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:35
June 05, 2007
~ Randomly...
I realised that what gets me down is when I have to find out about you from someone else's mouth.
Even if love abandoned us, we should still have been good friends.
But we didn't make this pact earlier. That may be a good thing. It would hurt even more if we had and don't. Or can't.
xxx
Yesterday, I woke up in the middle of the night for no apparent reason again. This has not occurred since many months ago.
And the first thought that came to my mind was 'is this going to be the first of many such nights that will come?'
It can't be all starting again. But I also started having migraine. Maybe self-curses work.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 23:20
June 02, 2007
~ Randomly...
That was the time, at work, I paused whatever I was doing, while I looked at the photo on the wall, taken with Meisen and Charan at the arts canteen. And I just said it - 'I need to be a student again.'
xxx
Lately, I've been counting and recounting my finances. The three big items on my plate, I need to see that they happen and within good time too. I'm giving myself a maximum of 4 years. It's a practical timeline, likely attainable. But, it would be all the more excellent if I can have them all done within 3 years (and half year is already gone).
I won't be my own slave driver. That's for sure. But, an additional income of a few hundred a month would be the perfect piece to complete the puzzle plan.
You read me. I'm most available for any offer of paid work that I can do over the weekend.
p.s. Apple, unless you are willing to pay me 20 bucks an hour to clean up your house, you can forget it.
xxx
Been in the mood for sleeping and eating. Former is great as it is the costless and most painless way to spend time; latter is not quite as great as it's usually expensive and sometimes, may lead to indigestion - which, even though I am finely acquainted with, I do not enjoy.
Been hanging out quite a bit with Wenn on Sundays. And just talking about my eligible bachelor friends and her eligible bachelorette friends. Serious business. A bit too serious, we are taking it. But, that generates some serious consideration, careful thinking and a few laughs. And for all you know, some end to a search for some people.
xxx
The analogy thus, marked me as an unlisted stock. Not available for open trading but possible for exclusive internal trading only among selected traders.
Drops of Jupiter... in the background now.
Exploited. By all the wrong investors. Jeez. Stock rises in value because of anticipation of its potential. Except if it really rises to its value, it's too much for you to handle, too expensive for you to buy. Amateur investors, please keep out.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 16:30
(Her) Dreams - Her other reality...
kyn: Jancy..I had a weird dream. I dreamt Wenn became my gf?! wth?!! -.-"' dream us had intimate moments but din kiss OMG! haha
kyn: it came to me like a shockwave too darling. I freaked myself out too. OMG! I mean if it was you it was still alrite.
First, she freaked Wenn out. Then, she went on to say something ambiguous which I didn't know to take as an insult or compliment.
One of my most loved friends... Kynthia Yip-forever-confused-and-running-away.
p.s. just want you to know that if you have been fantasizing about me, you can just tell me straight.
Posted by 杏 cy （Jancy） at 16:22